Why Cauliflower Needs To Go

I'm a nice sort of person. Really, I am. I adore people and animals and plants and try to help them on their merry way in life. I don't usually come across books that I dislike or movies that are disagreeable (save, maybe Killer Klowns From Outer Space, which is truly a disturbing cinematic disaster, but you should probably see it anyway, because it's hilarious.) However, I have in my time experienced the awful, sinister, seditious, and terrible presence of one singular malicious vegetable. And it goes by the name of Cauliflower.

The Culprit

Now let me tell you about this heinous miscreant. His parents were honest, hardworking types, the sort of folks you'd love to have over for Sunday brunch. They paid for Cauliflower's way through three schools, where he drank and partied to his rotten heart's content. When school number four threw him out, his mother begged him to get a job.

"Cauliflower," she pleaded. "Please, please do something good with your life. Make us proud."

Cauliflower winked at her and pecked her on the cheek. "Don't worry Ma," he said, chewing a wad of tobacco. "I'm on the level."

Cauliflower did not go out in search of work, but instead floated through casinos and alleyways, always looking for a buck, always looking for someone to swindle.


Elsewhere in the world, another young vegetable grew up.

This vegetable was different.

This vegetable's name was Broccoli, and from a young age he was always there to help his parents out. They fell on hard times, and Broccoli had to drop his nearly completed dreams of becoming an astrophysicist and instead became a piano teacher for underprivileged children. Broccoli was the apple of everyone's eye, and his parents had no limit of happiness from him. He was the envy of the town, and everyone loved him dearly.


Cauliflower was jealous. He wanted to be loved, but he didn't want to work for it. So he set out to commit the most terrible of his crimes. He tried to be like Broccoli. He knew that he didn't taste like anything, but he figured that if he looked similar enough to Broccoli people would eat him anyway. 

You, dear reader, can help. You can help eliminate this menace. I hope you take up arms with me against this criminal. I hope you give speeches and organize rallies. Here I've drawn you this helpful diagram.

Please, don't let this impostor walk the streets of our good society for one more moment. Put an end to his reign. And maybe, when the terror is over, we will all see the light, and understand: