Observations

We all like to make observations, don't we? Like, for example, I observe daily that an oyster differs from a cactus in several crucial ways. Additionally, I observe that typically, it tends to get light around morning, and dark around evening. This of course is great unknown knowledge of our time.


Several observations have I made in the past few weeks that I find important to share with you.


For example, I have observed that a college semester develops from awesome to filled with doom in less than 8 hours. 

Wonder you may: What sort of other amazing observations has the author of Cheese Plus Elephant made? In fact, I have been investigating the relationship between electrons, cows, and vegetarians.

Allow me to explain.

Vegetarians are generally viewed as being warm, animal-loving types who are loathe to see ducky turned into a turducken. This is quite admirable. Ducks should never be eaten. However, amidst the rallies I have seen convincing people of the evils of meat-eaters, I have begun to think more deeply about the harm done to other living things on our fair planet. Perhaps this diagram will help:

Now, this is a very interesting paradox. After all, plants have feelings too. Maybe we are completely misunderstanding the plight of our green friends? Consider their circumstances: born by genetic experimentation, these poor souls grow up in the dark and the dirt, never knowing their parents. Left to be rained on, eaten by scary insects, and potentially have their seeds stolen by bees, it is a wonder that these plants make it into young adulthood. Alas, when they do, it is only to be subjugated to the terrible stereotypes promoted about green beings in the media: you must be an alien. After having come to terms with their identity, they are separated from all of their friends and sold into death in one of two terrible ways: if they have nice colors or scents, they are sold in pots to young college students who will kill them within  a week. If they produce food, they are immediately beheaded, dissected, and possibly cremated.  How could we do this to life that evolved way before we did?

Speaking of science, there is another interesting observation that I have made. While perusing my chemistry notes at around 1am I came upon an entity called a "lone electron radical." Now, for those of you who don't know, a lone electron radical may be depicted like this:

Here we have the Carbon atom surrounded by three bonds it has made with three Hydrogen atoms, depicted by the three lines.  The dot represents an electron. Electrons in chemical bonds usually appear in pairs, known as lone electron pairs, and are shown as two dots. Thus, this single dot is a lone electron radical. 

However, to my very tired mind, a lone electron radical seemed like a much more sinister being than a black dot. I imagined something more like this:

Then, I got thinking even more. Lone electron radicals were clearly evil and hell-bent on destroying the world as we knew it. Was it possible that cows were somehow also involved? After all I had once read in a very reputable part of the newspaper (the comics) that the world was run by the council of cows. I considered this, in the light of what I had learned about our dear green friends, and I discovered something very disturbing. Our society is not, in fact, controlled by a happy fat penguin with a top hat. Instead, we are ruled, unbeknownst to us, by this most terrible of associations: 

Cabal: A conspiratorial group of plotters or intriguers.

 What can we do about this? Well for starts, certainly never extend your hand to a lone electron radical. Beyond that, I'm not sure what to tell you. Perhaps you have some suggestions? Until we overthrow this heinous cabal, all we may know is this:

P.S. This post is entirely fictional. I do not hate vegetarians or think that they are bad in any way. I fully support the vegetarian way of life. In fact, I date a vegetarian.

P.P.S The part about cows running the world is true.